Trust issues

It’s so hard for me to trust myself as a thin person Though I woke up a few weeks ago and realized that I’ve been doing ‘this’ (this being the particular manifestation of the ED) since 2000 or so, meaning almost six years.  I feel as if I’ve been fat in my life for far longer, and I’ll wake up and thinness is all a dream, as if the ability to wear a pink tank top and a cute plaid pink madras skirt will be taken away from me.

 

Growing up I so wanted to be the girl in pink, not the girl in the bulky elastic band pants chosen by my mother from Sears.

 

Mother, I miss you, and I wish both of us could have been a bit less controlling and trusted ourselves a bit more, and had some better times together, when you were alive and healthy.

 

Why do I feel I deserve to be thin and beautiful?  Bought milk at the 7-11 last night, waiting behind a large young man buying what I assume was his dinner—non-diet soda, Gatorade, chips, two full fat ice cream cones, the kind in foil that you peel free like skin.  How does he feel?  I wanted to go and buy him fruit and a sandwich in stead—his meal cost $12.35, and he could have easily bought something healthier, lower in calories, and more filling for less.  How does it feel to be locked in his body—I know, and I don’t want to remember.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: