Archive for August, 2006

Down so long..

August 18, 2006

It’s been so long since I’ve had ‘fun’ other than using all free opportunities to structure my diet and exercise…now I’m so tired I can’t overexercise like I did before, just plodding along at a relatively normal rate, and I’m not so hungry now that I’m not working out like a fiend 12 miles a day, food, life, and my wracked physical body just bore me.  But I’m afraid to move onto something else.  Wish I could just stay like this, but I know change comes and bats you on the ass, so I brace myself constantly.

Feel guilty for wasting a day, that’s all.

Depressed Amish People and Cookies

August 10, 2006

Reading an anthropological study of the Amish–factoid states that the famed mall food Aunt Anne’s Pretzels were founded by ex-Amish and now that the founders Amos and Anne have made a fortune, they use some of the profits to fund counseling specifically for Amish people experiencing emotional difficulties, which the communiity itself lacks.

 What strange associations for an innocent bit of mall food, located next to Mrs. Fields or Cinnabun.

I’m eating Green Giant creamed spinach right now.  Not very adventurous food wise lately.  Nothing seems to appeal but I keep eating.  I wish almost I didn’t have to–but not in weight loss mode or saving up for a great meal to come, really…

Can Wegman’s Creamed Spinach cure depression?

August 5, 2006

Bad brain day.  Staring at the pool, thinking of how many times I will have to clean it, can’t clean it well like my mother used to, thinking of not having enough money to live, thinking about not getting into grad school, the curt letter a poet sent me who used to go to high school with my mother when I informed him of her death.  Bad thoughts that I won’t go through with—and feeling better now. Swam, had a decent dinner, although more caloric than I would like, given how much I ate today.  But grabbing onto sanity with tenterhooks.  The answer to the post’s question is er, no.

Trust issues

August 3, 2006

It’s so hard for me to trust myself as a thin person Though I woke up a few weeks ago and realized that I’ve been doing ‘this’ (this being the particular manifestation of the ED) since 2000 or so, meaning almost six years.  I feel as if I’ve been fat in my life for far longer, and I’ll wake up and thinness is all a dream, as if the ability to wear a pink tank top and a cute plaid pink madras skirt will be taken away from me.

 

Growing up I so wanted to be the girl in pink, not the girl in the bulky elastic band pants chosen by my mother from Sears.

 

Mother, I miss you, and I wish both of us could have been a bit less controlling and trusted ourselves a bit more, and had some better times together, when you were alive and healthy.

 

Why do I feel I deserve to be thin and beautiful?  Bought milk at the 7-11 last night, waiting behind a large young man buying what I assume was his dinner—non-diet soda, Gatorade, chips, two full fat ice cream cones, the kind in foil that you peel free like skin.  How does he feel?  I wanted to go and buy him fruit and a sandwich in stead—his meal cost $12.35, and he could have easily bought something healthier, lower in calories, and more filling for less.  How does it feel to be locked in his body—I know, and I don’t want to remember.

Just eat a sandwich already!

August 1, 2006

‘They’—they meaning people without active eating disorders (or the actively disordered in denial)—always say ‘just eat a fucking sandwich’ to people with eating issues.  Which sparks outrage—etc., it’s not about the food, blah.

 

That said, I woke up this morning feeling panicked and overwhelmed and after a cinnamon raisin bagel I feel remarkably calmer.

 

From a good bagel shop, too—don’t know exact calorie count.  A year and a half ago, that would have freaked me out, and before that, would have been unthinkable.  Conversely, in my days of overeating only a bag of bagels would have satiated me, mentally, not physically, then I would have tried to purge or simply ate nothing else for the day, and that would have been a good excuse to do nothing.

 

Got lots to do today, though.  And sometimes one does need the ‘sandwich’—of course there are other issues, which makes it tempting to starve and focus on food again, so that food again becomes the problem, and salvation is provided by a 55 cent bagel.